One of my children has a hard time loving another one of my children. Hmmmm, I'll bet God has said those exact words a time or two, uh? Anyway, I'm always praying with this child of mine to help said child to love the other child enough. Tonight after, once again, watching this child endure a hug and kiss from the unliked child I made the reminder again. "Just a hug and kiss, that's all! You can do that!" The child whispered to me for the umpteenth time, "I just don't have enough love to give." And for whatever reason, this time the Lord put new words in my mouth. I held my hands out like I was holding water in them and said, "God will give you some of His love to share. It's like He's giving you a scoop of love and saying, 'Will you please share this with _____?' " And then I asked the child what type of hug God would give this unliked child if He were to, and the child hugged me fiercly. I told the child that we have to hug people for God right now and He gives us the love we need, HIS love, to do so. Our love is never enough.
Man, it always astounds me at the things God teaches me while I teach my children things that I never planned to.
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Happy Birthday, baby boy. I suppose I can get away with calling you that for quite a while since you'll always be a baby in my mind. But I feel pretty sad, this being your second birthday and all. That I can't hear your voice to see if it sounds like Cal's. I can't see you little boys running around playing rough. Sometimes I feel guilty seeing Cal try to play with Deakin and being frustrated that he can't keep up. As if it was my fault that his first little brother didn't live long enough to play with him. But it's not my fault. I'm very thankful for your short life and all the Lord used it for and will continue to use it for. I'm thankful for how wide and deep it opened my mind to God's love and grace toward me and your daddy. There are so many things we took for granted about Him that we see now and it sends us to our faces before Him. I have faith that the Lord gives you our messages. That you know we love you and miss you very much. I look forward to the day I will see you again. I don't know how that will be. I always picture you as a grown man big enough to pick me up. Not sure why that is how it plays out in my head. Doesn't really matter. Your daddy and I and your sisters and brothers have more work to do here. We are starting to get it. That nothing matters in this life but the glory of God. And you taught us that. Thank you. Love, Mama "It seems that every person who encounters the living God in the scriptures suddenly loses his self composure and experiences a severe identity crisis." Sproul "The house that I am to build will be great, for our God is greater than all gods. But who is able to build him a house, since heaven, even highest heaven, cannot contain him? Who am I to build a house for him, except as a place to make offerings before him?" (2 Chronicles 2:5-6 ESV) "Who am I?" This experience in my (our, Robert feels the same) life has left me shattered. And not just emotionally. It amplified my vision of God to a level that I can't even describe. There are times when I am praying to the Lord about average every day things and feel so overcome by His greatness and holiness that I can't sit upright. I feel like the prophets of the old testament that fall to their faces in the presence of God. I have NOTHING to give Him and he gives to me everything!!! I will sing to and serve God to my last breath!! Not for trying to earn anything but to show my insignificant love to my creater and redeemer. I just, I find myself speechless before an unfathomably good God. I recently heard a song that really explains how I feel well. And while it has nothing to do with the death of a child it has everything to do with what that death taught us about the God we serve. The second verse is my favorite. What do I know of Holy by Addison Road I made You promises a thousand times I tried to hear from Heaven But I talked the whole time I think I made You too small I never feared You at all No If You touched my face would I know You? Looked into my eyes could I behold You? (CHORUS) What do I know of You Who spoke me into motion? Where have I even stood But the shore along Your ocean? Are You fire? Are You fury? Are You sacred? Are You beautiful? What do I know? What do I know of Holy? I guess I thought that I had figured You out I knew all the stories and I learned to talk about How You were mighty to save Those were only empty words on a page Then I caught a glimpse of who You might be The slightest hint of You brought me down to my knees (CHORUS) What do I know of You Who spoke me into motion? Where have I even stood But the shore along Your ocean? Are You fire? Are You fury? Are You sacred? Are You beautiful? What do I know? What do I know of Holy? (CHORUS 2) What do I know of Holy? What do I know of wounds that will heal my shame? And a God who gave life "its" name? What do I know of Holy? Of the One who the angels praise? All creation knows Your name On earth and heaven above What do I know of this love? (CHORUS) What do I know of You Who spoke me into motion? Where have I even stood But the shore along Your ocean? Are You fire? Are You fury? Are You sacred? Are You beautiful? What do I know? What do I know of Holy? What do I know of Holy? What do I know of Holy? Lindsey:
The Lord has been teaching me a lot lately. So much that I doubt I will be able to express it here. I will try to cover some things, though. First, it took, what seemed like, ages to find a babysitter! I found myself withdrawing from the kids out of stress and sinking more and more into books. I still did my daily Bible reading (just finished Leviticus and Acts, now working on Numbers and Romans), which helped me to keep my focus and survive, but I just was doing the necessities with the kids mainly. Feeding them, reading the Bible with them, disciplining them, washing their clothes. Ya know, just going through the motions. I chalked it up to needing a break. Every evening once I had them in bed I would walk around the house outside for physical exercise and pray at the same time. One day I was doing this and reminding God again that we needed a babysitter and felt the gentle reminder that I needed nothing but Him. So I repented and started daily praying for the faith to know that all I needed was Him. His grace is sufficient. When I run away into a book and get overly annoyed with the kids it means that I am shoving them further down on my priority list then they should be. So I repented of my selfishness and started praying for the strength of the Holy Spirit to change me. And He did. : ) And shortly after that, he sent not just one babysitter, but two! So now, on a weekly basis I get a three hour break on Mondays and a two hour break on Fridays! I am rolling in the blessings of that! Here is what our day looks like now: 7am- Wake up, get dressed, make beds (kids make their own), Mommy makes breakfast. 8am- Eat breakfast, clean up, feed the dog, nurse baby and put him down for a nap sometime before 9am 9am- Bible study with kids (we are currently in Daniel and are in awe at how much God loved King Nebuchadnezzar to discipline him and restore him), practice sitting quietly, run laps outside for exercise because in an hour it will be over 100degrees! 9:30am- push ups or sit ups, whichever the day calls for, Darby does a limited amount of school work, while Cal and Bryse do a floor puzzle (their current favorite being a huge US map) and I check and return emails and such. Usually during this time we field a phone call or skype with daddy. 10am- Deakin wakes and we play and clean up and eventually I move into the kitchen to get ready for lunch at 11. 12-2ish - Naptime for boys, quiet reading time for girls. The girls have been shredding through summer reading programs because of this time each day. : ) I do my Bible quiet time, catching up on finances, facebook, buying online items, lesson planning, menu planning, whatever. If I have time then I do some fiction reading. 3-5 - Playing, maybe watching tv if the kids clean their toys and rooms well enough and prep for dinner. 5pm - Dinner 7pm- Bed, I usually clean up after the kids go to bed, walk around the house praying, check the mail, eat some cookies, and read more fiction. I've been trying to get to bed by 9:30pm. Obviously things get tweaked on days we get out of the house. Not only has God provided babysitters but a housekeeper as well for every other week! I'm so undeserving and thankful. Also I found an affordable treadmill so that I can keep running for the goal of losing these last 10 pounds. I hate it. The treadmill. I hate the treadmill. It's so different then running outside. So much harder! But I love it too, because it allows me to work out. I've officially given up most non-christian fiction. I don't know if it's just for a season or what but I can't shake the conviction and I'm just not really enjoying secular fiction anymore. : ( Which is a bummer, but it means I'm trying to find better chritian authors. So far the only one I absolutely love and agree with theologically is Francine Rivers. There seems to be a lot of christian authors that right moral books but don't delve too deeply into theology and such. Which is okay. And please don't suggest Kingsbury, I don't care for her style at all. And I've tried tons of her books. I got a Kindle Fire from my parents for my brithday and last night checked out two new authors out from the local library's online kindle books. So far I really like the first one. And the Kindle fire is easy to hold and read while I nurse the baby and rock him before I lay him down for nap or bed. The closer we get to Jasper's second birthday the more weepy I become. I don't feel depressed very much, just weepy. We are having a lot of fun this summer, the kids and I. But I find that while we are laughing at something or playing I might tear up even while smiling. Just because, you know, I'm the kind of bad mom that likes some ages better than others. ; ) And age two is my favorite. And Cal and Jasper would have so much fun together. Or even, one of the kids might tear up missing daddy out of no where. It happens. Most days I'm fine but after the kids go to bed I get more weepy and sad. I feel short of breath. Which was common for both Robert and I in the few weeks after Jasper died but we both felt like we could breath easier together. I just don't have Roo with me to help me breath easier. This is turning out too long so I'll add more lessons that I've been taught later. On to Darby-lou! Darby: Darby started ballet lessons three weeks ago! I don't know if I've ever seen her more excited! She loves the classes, practices daily and always shows me what she learned. I don't think I formally announced it but the Lord saved Darby on March 31! I've been in awe of seeing proof of the Holy Spirit in her. Discernment as we read the Word and encouraging her brother and sister in following the Lord. She wants to tell everyone about her salvation. She wrote Robert a letter reminding him to "stay in the gloy of God" and to "tell all the other men about God". She always wants me to read more form the Bible when we do. And has been working on reading the gospel of Mark by herself. God is good. Bryse: Bryse does not want me telling anyone anything about her, good or bad. I think, if you want an update on her you will have to call us up and talk to her yourself. Seriously! Cal: Cal is all about dinosaurs and robots. We get books about dinosaurs and he acts like a robot. He is weepy a lot from missing daddy. He is a huge cuddle bug. Always crawling up to me and rest his head somewhere on me. Asking me to hold him or sleep with him. We have been checking out a lot of audio books from the library and he enjoys listening to those during naptime and on trips in the van. When I asked him if he wanted to play soccer in the fall he said, "YEAH! I will jump up in the air and throw the ball in the basket!" We are working on our understanding of what soccer is exactly. Deakin: Deakin is crawling everywhere so fast that the kids say he runs! He climbs all of our stairs in the house so fast that I often miss it and kick myself for not setting up the baby gate. I'm getting better at remembering, you can only have a heart attack from fear so many times, I've learned. He is always dirty because he hates water and I am far too lazy to wrestle him into the tub. Once a week is about as good as I do. A wipee bath all other nights. He screams a lot, out of joy mainly. He has learned that it's hillarious to hold out a food item from his high chair for the dog and then yank it back before he can eat it. He laughs and laughs over this game. He is still in my room with me but is soon to be moved into Cal's room as soon as I work up the effort and desire. He loooooves kisses! Giving and getting them! He enjoys trashing the kitchen since his mama doesn't baby proof cabinets. He knows which ones he's not allowed and just guts all the rest! The kids are frantic to teach him to clap and wave. He just watches them do it and smiles. Unending fun with this little dude, I tell ya! My vision vs. His vision. I have been thinking about that a lot lately. On any given day I can think of soooo many ways I would've done my life differently had I been in control. So many ways that I feel I would be happier. Example: My husband would not deploy. I would not homeschool, because I would want more "me time". I would get monthly facials to feel renewed! Here's one that will really reveal how selfish I am; My husband would never enter the ministry. He is definitely called to it but I was so happy when he decided to become a psychologist because I thought, "Great! More money and less stress!" While he is still going to remain a psychologist for now he does believe the Lord is veering him toward pastoring/teaching in some way in the future. When, we don't know, but my point here is that I would not have chosen that. I like the idea of having my husband to myself, working a normal set of hours a week. These are just a few examples of things that aren't necessarily a sin, but ways that I would change my life if I were God. He does a different thing. And I trust Him, but it's not always easy. It means forgetting myself, my plan, my comfort, my happiness and instead looking for peace and joy in the Lord alone. And in this place I DO find true joy everlasting!! I can rest in Him and know He's got the whole picture. I showed this to Robert to see if he would respond the same as I. He looked at it for a bit and then said, "Looks just like something Paul would write." We both had a good laugh over that! Obviously he was being sarcastic.
There are so many things wrong with this picture. I hate it. To be honest. Hate, hate, hate it. This picture is the perfect example of what Jesus was not and exactly what God calls us NOT to be. And you know, I wouldn't even me posting it if it was just a worldly attitude. But it's not. This attitude has so seeped into the "christian" culture that we have whole churches centered around this concept. "What will make the people happy?" We choose a church based on if the church will serve us or make us happy. Is the music "hip" enough? Does the pastor dress cool enough? Do they serve the GOOD donuts in the morning? And just to be clear, these are all things Robert and I have talked about after visiting churches years ago when we had this attitude as well. Which brings me to the next issue this attitude ruins.... When we had this attitude toward church, we had the attitude toward our marriage too! Which meant we were HORRIBLY unhappy in our marriage at that time because we were BOTH saying, "You won't serve me!" "You don't make me happy!" Ahhh, lessons learned the hard way. I'm pretty sure that, as the picture says, that doing these things isn't quite a sign of respect of yourself but more of self-worship. I'm pretty sure that Jesus said "Whoever comes to me and does not hate father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters, yes, and even life itself, cannot be my disciple." (Luke 14:26) and "None of you can become my disciple if you do not give up all your possessions."(Luke 14:32) Giving everything up means your comfort, sometimes it means giving up your happiness and finding joy only in the Lord and serving Him and others! Jesus preached it straight! He told people to go away unless they were willing to give up EVERYTHING!! Dietrich Bonhoeffer, in his book The Cost of Discipleship, says, “When Jesus calls a man, he bids him come and die.” Now, compare that with this little saying above. Do they mesh? Nope. Obviously God doesn't call everyone to sell all their possessions and serve in a third world country. Some he gives more possessions and money to so they can give more generously. It is not my place to judge if someone is giving the amount God has called them to. But I can guarrentee if they are living their lives making sure they are happy and being served, then they likely aren't giving anything to the Lord, except maybe an hour and a half every Sunday morning at a hip church centered around making it's members happy. What I do know is that God is good. What I do know is that God created a perfect world for His glory. He created man and woman for His glory. They chose sin instead of Him and everything went to Hell then. Literally. Death entered the world along with all evil and sin. God is perfect and Holy and will not put up with sin. So everyone, EVERYONE was doomed to be apart from God's perfect love and joy. But because He is perfect and loving and good he made a way. He sent his only son to be the perfect sacrifice for all of our sins and save us from life and eternity away from Him. He loved us so much that He saved us even though we gave Him nothing but heartache. He made a way for even me. What I do know is that I deserve Hell. I deserve nothing even remotely as good as Him. But He gives it freely anyway. What I do know is that I am surrounded by blessings I can't ever begin to deserve. I have four fun, healthy living children. A husband that loves and serves me. A home and food and breath in my lungs. None of these things do I deserve. I will gladly recieve ANYTHING the infinitely good Lord sees fit to give. And I will pray for the grace to praise Him until my dying breath for all His goodness. God made a way; believe, repent, and LIVE for Him! I choose Life.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K48-Li7lIfA I've been laying in bed awake since 4:45 with these words racing through my head and finally gave up just now (6 am) to come and get them out! ; ) This is mainly for my younger friends who are new to marriage and have just started or haven't yet gotten to "the hard part" yet.
Last night my Amazing Man and I were talking late into the night, like we do sometimes, and he came to a realization. That two of his favorite Men of God to seek advice from early in our marriage have since divorced their wives for completely ubsurdly unbiblical reasons. Robert enjoyed getting advice from these men because they gave him easy advice. Their advice left him feeling alright, because "heck, we all mess up" and didn't challenge him at all. And it got me thinking about seeking advice for the difficult marriage stuff. Rule of thumb, young married person. Anytime you are seeking advice on a difficult subject (a SIN subject) and you leave feeling better about yourself, it's probably bad advice. John 3:30 says that we must become less and God must become more. Your BEST Godly friends will keep directing you toward God and away from yourself. They will say, "Shut up and look up" when you don't want to hear it. Their advice will leave you uncomfortable and frustrated because the death of self, is hard and painful. These friends that give sound Biblical advice care more about the calling of God in your life then they do about your feelings. Because God is more important than you! Because one of God's goals for your life has never been comfort, but sanctification. And as iron sharpens iron (Proverbs 27:17) isn't comfortable or fun but necessary and God glorifying. If you are the iron, you are being beaten by your friend sometimes! Now, don't hear what I'm not saying (that is one of my favorite quotes from my dad, hee hee). You shouldn't be friends or seek advice from people that beat you over the head with the Bible or yell at you all the time. But with friends that tell you what you need to hear even when you don't want to hear it. "For the time is coming when people will not endure sound teaching, but having itching ears they will accumulate for themselves teachers to suit their own passions," 2 Timothy 4:3 Truly Godly advice always points toward God. The only applause you should be getting is, "Hey, Sally! Great job dying to yourself and glorifying God!" That means denying yourself. That means serving your spouse when they aren't serving you. Why? Because you love God and your life isn't about you anymore, it's about HIM and HE said serve one another, love one another unconditionally. If you have a girlfriend that says, "He did WHAT, girl?! Yup! I wouldn't've cooked him dinner either!!" That is self glorifying and God denying. There can not be more of you AND more of God. It must be less of you, more of Him. Otherwise, it's more of you and less of Him. Our flesh MUST be beat down and suffocated so that we can move out of the way and point toward God. The only good in me is God. I don't want to have anything to do with myself apart from God. "Then Jesus told his disciples, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me." Matthew 16:24 That advice you're seeking from your friend, or that advice you're giving your friend? It should ALWAYS put God's calling before their feelings. Always. If I had to pick a phrase that best sums up my thoughts most of the day, this would be it. "I don't wanta." I say it to myself like a beligerant three year old whining and crying over the injustice of my life. Let me paint you a picture:
I just got the girls settled down for their quiet time. I hurriedly get Cal settled down for his naptime (after MUCH debating and disciplining). I get Deakin nursed to sleep for his nap. I frantically hurry about the kitchen cleaning up lunch, doing dishes, and getting it spick and span. Quickly clean anything else up that the kids have gotten out. Transfer clothes from the washing machine to the dryer. Scoop up a snack and a glass of water for myself. Rush down the stairs to my favorite most comfy recliner and sit down with my latest book to just relax for the first time all day. Five minutes later one of three things happens. 1) Cal gets up and takes a dump and needs me to wipe his bum. 2)The girls break out into an all out war and I need to go upstairs and hand out discipline and teach them how to work out their differences. OR 3) Deakin wakes up having pooped in his diaper and thinks it's party time once again. My first thought? "I don't wanta." And I don't mean a meek little "I don't wanta" I mean an all out BIG 'ol pity party "IT'S NOT FAIR! I DON'T WANTA!!! I DESERVE JUST A FEW MINUTES OF ME TIME! I DON'T WANTA!!!! I NEED THIS DOWN TIME! I DON'T WANTA!!! BOO HOO! ME ME ME ME ME ME!!!!" That's basically what it sounds like in my head a LOT of the day. It can be a situation like this one or something as simple as driving down the road and Darby asks a question that I just don't want to answer out of thought laziness. (my brain runs on empty a lot) I started reading The Mortification of Sin by John Owen a couple weeks ago. It's quite short but very old, so the writing is in depth and hard to understand sometimes. But Mr. Edwards is brilliant and sites scripture for everything he says. The main subject of this book is how we, as Believers, are to deal with this leftover sin in our lives. That we can't just stop doing it, we can't strive to stay away from it, we must mortify it, kill it, smother it EVERY day! And since we are wimpy humans (my words, not his) the Holy Spirit must do this for us. It is a daily reliance we must bring into our relationship with the Lord. Repeatedly seeking the Holy Spirit for the endurance to face down this enemy! I could highlight this whole book. So much is worth sharing. But right now I'm just going to cover one part. "Now, as you may see in a garden, let there be a precious herb planted, and let the ground be untilled, and weeds grow about it, perhaps it will live still, but be a poor, withering, unuseful thing. You must look and search for it, and sometimes can scarce find it; and when you do, you can scarce know it, whether it be the plant you look for or no; and suppose it be, you can make no use of it at all. When, let another of the same kind be set in the ground, naturally as barren and bad as the other, but let it be well weeded, and every thing that is noxious and hurtful removed from it, -- it flourishes and thrives; you may see it at first look into the garden, and have it for your use when you please. So it is with the graces of the Spirit that are planted in our hearts." -John Owen Weeding a garden is HARD work. Somedays I would want to skip it because it was so tedious and boring. And maybe that one little tiny weed won't hurt anything so I'll skip it. THIS is a perfect analogy of sin in the Christian's life. This "small" sin of mine (one of the MANY), the "I don't wanta" sin, is down right selfishness. A lack of a servant's heart. Laziness. NOW, before you try to stick up for me and say, "But, Lindsey, you DO need a break from time to time!" "God wants you to be happy!" "Rest will make you a better mother!" just STOP. Get behind me, satan, as Jesus once said. Because if I recall, Jesus was fixing to do something He really didn't want to do either. If I allow this sin to keep growing there is no telling where it will go. No doubt the enemy's goal is ALWAYS to do the best. The enemy doesn't stop with thoughts. It strives and fights until it succeeds in everything! Which is why we must be striving and fighting even harder to keep sin out! "be killing sin or it will be killing you."- John Owen "Sin aims always at the utmost; every time it rises up to tempt or entice, might it have its own course, it would go out to the utmost sin in that kind. Every unclean thought or glance would be adultery if it could; every covetous desire would be oppression, every thought of unbelief would be atheism, might it grow to its head." -John Owen So my prayer lately has been an ernest plea to the Holy Spirit to mortify my selfishness. To make in me a humble servant's heart. The world tells us to serve ourselves. Heck! Even many christians and churches will tell you to serve yourself. But the Bible never said any such thing. Service is the center of the Christian faith. Not just service as a missionary or pastor, but service in every aspect of life. So if I DO get a break at naptime? It is NEVER because I am entitled to it or it's fair that I have one or that I deserve it. It's just a blessing, and I will be thankful for the five minutes I sat on my comfy recliner with my snack and book. : ) His grace is sufficient to carry me through the rest of the day. http://bible.org/seriespage/mark-8-heart-servant That is what the Lord has been teaching me through His word lately. What has He been teaching you? This is more of a question than statement. I'm curious as to what other parents do. (You know, so I can compare and maybe learn something new! Ha! That is in reference to a previous blog) I'm not talking about the irrational fears of things that go bump in the night or monsters or ghosts. Not those things. But things like harmless bugs, sensor toilets, new people, or noises. I have this really firm belief that if I allow my children to continue to be afraid of things that aren't worthy of fear, then I am crippling them. I don't know if it's true, it's just how I view it. Not to say that if my daughter has a fear of bugs I'm going to throw her into a box filled with them, but just that I don't ever cater to that fear.
Here's an example. This morning one of my daughters refused to get some dog food for our dog because she swore she saw a "black hornet" in the garage the day before. I put my foot down and told her that she was not allowed to do anything until she fed the dog. She cried and complained for about 45 minutes and then I grabbed her, took her in the garage and made her stand there until she calmed down. Then I made her look for the "black hornet" (which I believe was never there in the first place. This particular child is a master of letting her mind run away with her. All you have say is "bug" and she starts scratching and twitching). Ofcourse, we did not find it. I explained to her that it was all in her mind and she was letting a fictional fear mess up her whole day! I took her back in the house and then left her there again to go get the dog food by herself. I refused to help her or let any of the other kids go with her. Now, I kept praying and thinking all through this ordeal and asking myself if I was being too hard on her. I don't want to be mean, but I don't want her to let irrational fear rule her life! If there had actually been a hornet in the garage I wouldn't have dreamed of making her do it by herself. Good grief!! I probably wouldn't have gone in there! Ha! Another example. My younger daughter is super fun and not fearful of much. BUT she has some social issues. She's not crazy about meeting new people and I've even caught her glaring at strangers who pay her a sweet compliment. I think glaring is how she deals with shyness. Which can be embarassing! There have been times where a child on the playground will say hi to her, she'll glare at them and then run over to me all smiles talking about how the child said hi to her!! So confusing. Anyway, I believe this is another irrational fear, she is afraid to talk to new people. Which as a parent, I'm fine with her being weary of strangers. But if I'm right there, keeping her safe, I expect her to atleast be friendly. Even if that means smiling only! I just can't let her glare and hide behind my skirts. Shouldn't she learn that the majority of new people or children that she meets are perfectly fine to speak to? I don't expect her to by like her older sister and trip over herself to make a new friend. But a little bit of politness should be expected I think. There is just a fine line here between catering to irrational fears and forcing a child to be too tough. There must be a middle ground where we teach them that some things are okay to be afraid of and somethings, we gotta get over! We are equiping them for being adults. Obviously, I'm not talking about a small baby with a fear of being away from mom and dad. That needs to be catered to. But just, as they get older and are able to understand that you've got their back, that they don't need to live in fear of irrational things. I believe my husband would call this "exposure therapy". : ) He's a big fan of that. Well! I'm 33 weeks pregnant. And for those of you that may not know why that is important to me: 33 weeks is the point in my last pregnancy that our baby Jasper died. Truly, we don't know what specific day it was, we discovered he was gone at 33 weeks and 1 day. He likely died around 32 weeks and 6 days, I'm guessing. If you would like to read Jasper's story here are the links: Part one, http://www.facebook.com/home.php?#!/note.php?note_id=420667244285, part two, http://www.facebook.com/home.php?#!/note.php?note_id=420673314285, and part three, http://www.facebook.com/home.php?#!/note.php?note_id=420675174285. For some reason I didn't post anything on the blog around that time. Actually I didn't post at all on the blog until several months had gone by. I'm not sure why, but I did type up several facebook notes about his story and how we were all doing in the weeks after. The above picture is the last full length shot that we got of my pregnancy with Jasper. I was roughly 32 weeks pregnant. I typically try not to focus too hard on how pregnant I am to the day, except for around Jasper's death. Below is a picture of me pregnant this time.
So far this pregnancy has gone well. I'm big, as pregnant women usually are. Or atleast, as pregnant women that are on their fifth pregnancy usually are. ; ) But other than that, things are going well. I don't feel very scared as a result of Jasper's death. I feel sad a lot and definatly struggle with lack of ambition some. But I don't fear for this baby's life an abnormal amount. We are getting ready for the birth! So we are very excited about that! And finding out the baby's gender. : ) If you would like to be in on guessing the details of this baby, go here to enter our game! http://expectnet.com/game.php The game name is: "Rainbowbaby5". Rainbowbaby because that is what babies are usually referred to when they come after the death of their older sibling. As in, a rainbow after a storm. And the number 5 because this is our fifth baby! : ) Here are some hints for guessing purposes! Darby was born at 37 weeks, 7'14, 19 1/2 inches long, 6:30pm Bryse was born at 39 weeks, 7'15, 21 inches long, 1:09pm Cal was born at 40 weeks, 9'10, 21 1/2 inches long, 1:19am Jasper was born at 33 weeks, 6'5, 19 1/2 inches long, 12:15pm The midwife is guessing that this baby is smaller than Jasper was. I've gained more than all the rest of my pregnancies, but I'm measuring normal. Midwife is guessing girl and so is Robert. I'm clueless but trying to assume girl so that I will be ready for that, because in all honesty, I would rather have a boy. I think mainly because of Jasper, I feel like we are suppose to have a boy. But I do realise that this baby is itself, not Jasper. AND, our girl name is Jude Lael and boy name, so far, is Deakin without a for sure middle name. : ) http://www.steadymom.com/2011/06/working-staying-at-home-comparisons-and-measuring-up.html
I just read this and it got my mind to thinking. And I just had to hash it out in a blog post. This article is talking about all the damage comparisons can do to moms. With their relationships with eachother and their self-esteem. This whole artilce made me think of Titus 2 where it is explained how the "older women" should train the "younger women": "Likewise, teach the older women to be reverent in the way they live, not to be slanderers or addicted to much wine, but to teach what is good. Then they can train the younger women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled and pure, to be busy at home, to be kind, and to be subject to their husbands, so that no one will malign the word of God." And maybe I took the article wrong, but I found myself disagreeing with it. Mainly because the main way I grow as a mother is by comparing myself to other moms! While I'm definatly against superficial comparisons of "Oh! She has a nicer minivan." or "I wish I could fit in the size of clothes she does!" Mothering in general is NOT a very superficial subject. It's quite deep and I don't think any of us mothers will ever be to a point where we can no improve in some way. "Somehow pointing out the limitations of mothers who handled life differently than I eased up on the guilt I felt about my own flaws." Okay, that is a quote from her first point. And here is what I think. If you are feeling guilt about a flaw that you have, then change it! Don't waste time pointing out other's flaws! That does no good. But look at your situation and fix it! Truly, if we feel good and confident and at peace with the choice we have made then NO ONE can MAKE us feel guilty for it. It's impossible. For instance, the main subject of this article is Stay-at-Home moms vs Working moms. Personally I know amazing moms on both sides of this coin. BUT I have 100% confidence in my choice to stay-at-home. I've always known it would be what I would do when we had kids and feel so confident that it is the right choice for my children that I have NEVER felt guilty for it. Nor have I ever even thought that working moms might talk about me behind my back (until I read this article). But I truly don't care if they talk bad about me! Because I know I've made the right choice. Why would I care what someone else believes when I'm at peace with my family and myself for this decision. This is my hope for all moms. That when they do make a choice (after prayer and research and thought) that they would feel so confident about it, that they wouldn't care what others think. They don't give excuses, they just do. "Differences highlight our inadequacies" GREAT!!! Ha! When Darby was four Robert and I realised we were failing her miserably in the discipline department. She was a mess. And it wasn't her fault. It was ours. We were inadequately schooled in that area. So what did we do? Did we say, "Oh! But we are different, and we just need to ignore these inadequate feelings and not compare ourselves to other parents." Well, I guess we could've, but we didn't. Instead I looked around me and found a mom to compare myself with. I found children to compare Darby with. And when I found a mom that put me to shame with how she discipled and taught her children and her children showed great results because of her loving discipline, I pounced on her!! : ) I spent hours on the phone with her, telling her what we were doing and let her tell me all the ways I was failing and what i needed to do differently. And we did, and within a couple months Darby was a different child. She was HAPPY, we were happy and everything was so much smoother. All because I compared myself to another mom!!! : ) All because I found myself lacking and instead of crying about feeling guilty, I excepted that I WAS inadequate, and got better. Now I have the confidence (as mentioned above) about how we teach and disciple our children. So I don't feel guilty anymore. I mean, yeah, I still screw up, but atleast I have the tools to fix it. "So when a friend with only good intentions does something thoughtful for my son, it’s easy for me to immediately qualify her as “just” a stay-at-home mom, someone who doesn’t have the extra challenge of balancing dinner and editorial letters, copyedits and soccer games, someone who’s downright luxuriating in extra time I don’t have." I felt like when she put this in there it was meant as her feeling bad for thinking this about her friend. But I didn't take it as that at all. Because this is true. Is it not? I, as a stay-at-home mom DO have more time. In my experience MUCH more time than my friends that work outside of the home. But, that is my goal in staying home. So if someone thinks that "I'm only able to blog or clean my house more or shop for better deals than working moms", that is true. While I don't have an insane amount of free time (because I do care for three children full time, keep in mind, nannies are paid handsomely to do that), one of the BIG reasons Robert and I decided for me to stay at home with the kids was for those benefits. I count my blessings when I'm able to go out with a friend for a playdate in the middle of the day, or spend an hour at Kohl's getting the BEST deals on clothes (like this morning) during a really slow time, or just sit during naptime! These are benefits to staying home, no insult, just fact. Just as a benefit of me working outside of the house would be us having a larger house or newer cars or maybe not really "needing" for me to bargain shop OR eating out more!!! Oh, I love eating out. If I worked, we would eat out WAY more! ha! For my sanity and for the luxury of having more money! : ) So these are just differences in the choices we make (or may not have a choice, as single moms do not). There is no reason to get all worked up over the differences between the choices. I don't feel guilty because I have more time with my kids or household duties then working moms. Because it was my goal when I chose that direction. Ultimatly, I just get tired of the whole, "comparisons are bad" thing. Because if you are comparing the right thing with the right motive, then comparing is the best way to grow!! Haven't we all been at a girlfriend's house and tasted her cake (or what have you) and been like, "MAN! Her cake is way better than mine!" And so we ask for the recipe. Because we want to be as good at making cake as her! Right?! Why not do that with mothering?? As far as I can tell, the Bible kinda commands it, right? I mean, we are suppose to have wise counsel from other women. |
LindseyI'm the mama and wife. Updating you on our life! Archives
January 2022
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